1.05.2010

Lucid dreams on steroids 1/6/10

Monday is my day off. At 8:30 a.m. on 1/4/10, the Ikea delivery people came, and I went back to sleep for two gripping hours.

I dreamed that I woke up in my apartment, except it wasn't much like my apartment, and a boyfriend I had in high school lived with me. That's how I knew it was a dream to begin with. Usually I can wake myself up from a dream I don't like; I just try really hard to open my eyes, and eventually they open. I couldn't do it here. I would think they were open and that I was waking up in my real bed, but I would only be waking up to another dream with the same setup as at the beginning (I wake up in an unfamiliar apartment, ex is living there and thinking I'm crazy for telling him we don't live together, etc.).

Here's when I realized I could do whatever I wanted without risking waking up as usually when I try to lucid dream, my brain's all like "Eff that, too much work." So I flew around. I punched people. I floated through walls. Intermittently I would stop and try to open my eyes again, and the whole thing would start over. My antics (and the events transpiring around me) got weirder and weirder. There were birthday parties and lynching and ice cream and 1950s and talking green beans and labyrinths and ghosts of friends who to the best of my knowledge are still alive and threesomes. Brutal, I tell you. I was panicking because I felt like I had slept long enough and should be waking up to an alarm but I was trapped in the dream so I couldn't.

So here I am being assumed like the Virgin Mary into the sky through ceilings in a multistory house and thinking I'm trapped in dreamland forever when suddenly I run into a priest. I decided it would be a good idea to tell him about my situation and ask for advice. He said:

"Scream as loud and as long as you can. Thrash about and break things with your flailing limbs. The dream will get tired of you and let you go."

I politely thanked him and continued my upward mobility until I arrived in a room with people to hear me scream and things to knock over. And that's exactly what I did.

Guess what? It worked. Trippy, man.

So if you're ever caught in a dream, just cause as much of a ruckus as you can. Your dream will get so annoyed with you that it starts to believe you're not such a catch after all and lets you go.

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