Hello, please allow me to get vulnerable here with y'all for a minute. I don't desire any comments; this is not fishing for compliments, and one could probably say many of these thoughts and emotions are baseless and irrational, but feel free to empathize if you ever feel the same way. I would like to share my fears with someone, and it's pretty late, so without further ado...
What follows is a rather stream-of-consciousness list of things I've been thinking about when I am feeling down. I hope you're seated in a comfy chair with good music playing and a hot cup of coffee.
Many of my good friends have left town, are soon leaving town, or never were in town. Will I be left with no nearby support network? Who would want to count me in their group of friends anyway? Is the only reason men talk to me because of my looks? Is the only reason some women won't talk to me because of my looks? Will this dynamic change as I grow old and unattractive? If I really do have plenty of time like everyone says, then why do I feel so old already? I am afraid I will never be able to keep up a meaningful relationship of any kind. I feel that people start to dislike me and distrust me as soon as they know me, which likely becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Will I ever be happy with what is, or will I always be looking for the next big thing? Why do I seem unable to do both? I so fear dying. Why can't I be healthy in just one way? If it's not one affliction, it's another; even my own body hates me, and nothing ever seems to make it happy. What if I have nothing to offer anyone? What if I never get what I want? What if I never even figure out what I want? I wonder if my family members cut me out of their lives because they're bitter that I moved so far away or because I got ink in my skin and metal in my face and pink in my hair; I feel ostracized by some of them when I go back. My emotions sometimes control me completely but other times feel false and stunted. I say and do a lot of things I shouldn't because it seems like I should. The world is changing too fast and leaving me behind.
Really, what am I doing wrong?
Thanks for reading, Intertron. I imagine I'll be in a better mood when I see you tomorrow.